Fake Metropolitan Diary

2006-12-18 Metropolitan Diary analysis

2006-12-18T15:39:00.000-08:00

Continuing my catch-up, but this has disappeared into the Times Select netherworld. I quote it in its entirety below but if you have Select you can see the original.

DEAR DIARY:

It happened one rainy morning on the bus going down to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Cast of characters:

My cousin Blanche, a friendly, great-grandmotherly woman.

Young mother with two very young children in tow: approximately 4-year-old daughter, approximately 2-year-old son.

Blanche to little girl: ''What are you doing on the bus on such a nasty, rainy day?''

Little girl: ''We're going to the museum.''

Blanche: ''Oh! I'm going there too. What are you going to see?''

Little girl: ''We're going to look at the broken statues.''

Blanche: ''Oh my! Broken statues! I wonder who broke them!''

Little girl: Pointing an accusing finger at her younger brother: ''He did!''

And cousin Blanche met me at the museum and we looked at broken statues, too.

Category: Precocious NY Kids (no other explanation is necessary)

Dear Diary:

Seen on the marquee of the Midway Theater in Forest Hills:

WE NOW SERVE COFFEE

STRANGER THAN FICTION

Category: Amusing Misspellings (it's really an "Unamusing Juxtaposition" but you gotta stick with what you got for categories)

[terrible poem comparing Tiffany's to a dragonfly]

Category: n/a (I don't do poems)

Dear Diary:

On a Third Avenue bench, I am enjoying a bright warm afternoon viewing the constant passing show of life in New York.

An older woman (my age) approaches with arms akimbo asking (demanding), ''Where's the bus stop?'' (As in, ''What did you do with the bus stop?'') I ask, ''Which bus?'' (There are many on Third.)

She said, ''You know, the one that goes UP and DOWN.''

Although buses only go UP on Third, I instantly know what she means: the bus that goes UP Third, DOWN Second.

''Fiftieth Street,'' I direct (Know-it-all!).

''Harrumph!'' says she on her way UP Third.

Category: New York Eccentrics (a category often used to capture annoying and tiresome interactions with old people such as this)

Dear Diary:

An elderly friend of ours is a resident of the Mary Manning Walsh Nursing Home at York Avenue and 72nd Street. Recently I took her out for her weekly ride in her wheelchair in the neighborhood she has lived in for more than 50 years.

As we crossed York Avenue at 71st Street, we passed in front of an M72 bus stopped at the light. Suddenly the driver began to tap on the windshield, waving enthusiastically at my friend.

When we reached the sidewalk, he opened the door. ''Where have you been?'' he asked. ''I haven't seen you in a long time. You look great. You always do!''

With that, the light changed. A final wave, ''Keep well.'' The door closed and the bus proceeded up York Avenue.

Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All! (the nice bus driver remembers the old lady)

Dear Diary:

After the New York City Ballet's opening-night performance, the promenade lobby at the New York State Theater was beautifully set with decorated tables for the gala dinner. Exquisitely dressed patrons and socialites were making their entrances, and lovely music set the scene. The tables were adorned with sprays of delicate flowers, and waiters stood at attention to serve the guests.

We ordinary audience members from the upper rings passed by this lush setting, and a mother with two 8- or 9-year-old girls was overheard to say, emphatically, ''There are a lot of speeches, very little eating, mediocre food, and we're not invited.''

Category: Precocious NY Kids (for a second I thought the kids had said this, which would have been a slam-dunk for this category, but I'll leave it in, as the mother is saying this to the kids, which tends to indicate that they will either grow up precocious or full of class resentment. Either way, Precocious it is.)

Dear Diary:

Leaving a delightful concert at Carnegie Hall recently, I walked to the 57th Street station to catch the F train back to Queens. In the station, I first heard and then saw a man playing Vivaldi on his violin. A group of young people were gathered around the older man, quietly listening to the lilting sounds.

When the piece was finished, one young man admiringly said, ''Yo, you play that violin like Tupac raps!''

Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All! (uh, because the obviously "urban" kids are enjoying the violin player)

Dear Diary:

The other morning there is the usual purposeful chaos at the corner store's deli counter on 14th Street.

The counterman shouts, ''What you want?'' and people shout back, ''Black with a buttered roll,'' ''Two, light and sweet,'' and so forth.

A young guy in construction-worker clothes steps up to the counter. The counterman shouts, ''What you want?''

Young guy answers in a thick Eastern European accent, ''I - want - coffee.''

Counterman shouts, ''How you like your coffee?'' The young guy looks puzzled.

Counterman shouts louder, ''HOW YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE?'' The young guy doesn't understand, so the counterman really shouts, ''HOW - YOU - LIKE - YOUR - COFFEE?''

The young guy now understands and is pleased to answer with complete confidence:

''I like my coffee very much!''

Category: Amusing Misspellings (though not a misspelling, this category is frequently used to indicate "foreigner misunderstands something")

Note: I am withholding the totals for a future "January 1st 2007" entry.

2006-12-11 Metropolitan Diary analysis

2006-12-11T12:37:00.000-08:00

As I am catching up on old entries, this one has already become hidden to those without Times Select. For those who do have it, here is a link to the column. I have quoted it and expect that my responses and/or parody represent "fair use". I've also removed the author names because if any of these individuals end up "ego-surfing" I would prefer that their search not result in my puerile japes at their expense.

DEAR DIARY:

On a recent Monday evening my girlfriend, Thania, and I were walking home from a birthday party in Morningside Heights. It was well past our curfew, and we were a few blocks away from our normal territory.

I had just begun to complain about waking up the next morning to move our van when, much to my disbelief, I spotted it -- 12 blocks from where I had parked it! It was attached to a New York Police Department tow truck, and though I've had my share of parking tickets, I was positive that I had left it on the proper side of the street.

Astonishingly, the truck wasn't towing it away, but was easing it back and forth into a new parking spot! Because of an impending movie shoot on Riverside Drive, the city was moving all vehicles and pasting on them a ''48-hour-immunity sticker'' -- protecting them from the alternate-side parking rules for the next two days.

''Would you like to just take it right now?'' the officer asked. I didn't have to think twice.

''No thanks,'' I said. ''It's all yours.''

Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!
(that is, moving the cars and providing alternate-side parking immunity showed compassion on the part of the officer)

Dear Diary:

Dad to young son as they strode, hand in hand, on Seventh Avenue in Park Slope: ''Hey! Don't interrupt me when I'm ignoring you!''

Category: Precocious NY Kids (though I may someday move to Park Slope, I will now snidely note that that part of New York City breeds precociousness in both kids and parents)

Dear Diary:

As I walked south on Broadway on the Upper West Side, a man pushing a shopping cart approached me and said, ''I'm hungry.''

Having been taught as a child not to give cash to ''street people,'' but also not to ignore a hungry person, I replied: ''I won't give you money, but if you're hungry, I'll get you something to eat. There's a greengrocer across the street. What do you want?''

''Vegetables,'' he said.

''Vegetables?'' I repeated, somewhat taken aback.

''That's right -- vegetables; I'm a vegetarian,'' he explained, as we crossed Broadway.

Entering the store together, I asked him what he wanted, and he told me, ''Kale.'' My eyebrows climbed higher and higher on my forehead as my surprise deepened.

''Kale,'' I repeated. ''What are you going to do with kale?''
''I'm going to steam it and eat it,'' he replied, looking at me as if I were an idiot.

From then on, I kept my mouth shut and just did as I was asked, which was to pay for the two bunches of kale he picked out with tender loving care from the pile on the shelf.

As he took his leave, thanking me profusely, I muttered to myself, ''Only in New York!''

Category: New York Eccentrics
(referring to the fussy, vegetarian homeless man)

Dear Diary:

For my friend Roslyn's birthday, I got her a gift certificate to Paragon Sports. She e-mailed that she couldn't wait to show me her new birthday running bra.

The next day, as we were approaching each other along the Hudson River Walkway, she flipped up her top to reveal her new bra. I smiled in surprise, but not as much as the businessman walking near me and talking into his cellphone.

His eyebrows rose as he exclaimed into the phone: ''This woman just flashed me! And I thought New York was supposed to be a GOOD city!''

Category: New York Eccentrics (the businessman could be considered a rube but I think flashing your sports bra to your friend places you securely in the NY Eccentrics category)

Dear Diary:

As I was leaving the 86th Street subway station the other evening, I found myself a little confused by the sight of a well-dressed older gentleman with his fingers plugged firmly in his ears. My own ears were stuffed with iPod headphones, so at first I had no idea what was causing his displeasure, but since there weren't any trains in the station it obviously wasn't the high-pitched brake squeal that everyone knows and hates.

Upon looking around a little more carefully, however, I spotted the source of the man's displeasure across the tracks on the downtown platform: a cellist playing Bach. Oy!

Category: Jaded New Yorkers
(a toss-up between this and NY Eccentrics but I will call it jaded due to a) iPod headphones to block out unpleasant subway noises and b) annoyance with subway musicians, who for the most part annoy me, too)

Dear Diary:

I was waiting for the Second Avenue bus when a well-dressed woman, probably in her 70s, joined me in the shelter. When the bus arrived and opened its doors, she asked the driver if he stopped at 19th Street, just four blocks away.

Assured that it was the next stop, she began to board the bus. She had such tremendous difficulty climbing the steps that I instantly understood why she took the bus to travel such a short distance.

She got off at 19th and from my seat I watched her hobble slowly down the street in obvious pain. Then I noticed something I had missed before. She was wearing black, calf-high leather boots precariously balanced on 4-inch spike heels.

Fashion is a cruel and apparently unrelenting master.

Category: New York Eccentrics
(wearing painful spike heels at age 70 is the sign of an Eccentric in my book, though this trait is not solely confined to New York)

Metropolitan Diary analysis, 2006-08-21

2006-08-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

Hello dear readers, I am trying to be prompt about this blog again and so here is the analysis of today's Metropolitan Diary:

Real New Yorker gives advice to tourists about how to behave in New York, and also includes anecdote in which a tourist family holds their kids out of everyone's way so that the New Yorkers can go to work. Category: Rubes in the Big City
Kids offer lemonade to passer-by and when asked why they do not charge, are told it is Shabbos. Category: Precocious NY Kids (so, apropos of my comment last week that Precocious NY Kids has taken a break for the summer, let me note that this may mean summer nears its end. Or, maybe it's that kids who honor Shabbos stick around the Upper West Side in the summer?)
Starbucks counterperson easily handles two complex orders, but is taken aback by the writer's order of a "light decaf". Category: Jaded New Yorkers (This entry confused me greatly as I am filled with hatred for both parties. My first reaction was anger towards the writer for ordering something that can really only be ordered in old-style New York delis, which have largely disappeared. So I can't call that person a rube, more like out of touch. (Note the comment "In desperate need of a cup of coffee, I ended up recently in a Starbucks". I guess the local Greek Deli With Shitty Old Pot Of Coffee was out of coffee that day when you got desperate?) On the other hand, I am filled with self-hatred because I have become a person that thinks everyone should know the retarded and pretentious Starbucks ordering system. Basically, if you have to say something which will modify the amount of foam in your special coffee order, or if your coffee order includes ingredients other than coffee, milk, and possibly sugar, you are fucking pretentious. I even hate myself for knowing to say "venti drip" instead of "large coffee". And, even a 5-year veteran barista should still understand classic New York City coffee orders like "light decaf", "small dark coffee", and whatnot. So this Metro Diary entry has sent me on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Thanks, Suzanne.)
Two nannies argue over what one's charge did to the other. Category: Precocious NY Kids
Bus driver threatens to turn off A/C on very hot day unless a pregnant woman is given a seat. Category: New York Eccentrics
Cabbie pretends to confuse visitors with "showgirls", to their delight. Category: Rubes in the Big City
Van remodelling funeral home has sign offering "creative finishes". Category: Amusing Misspellings (if there was a "shitty jokes" category I'd use that instead)
Person on bus is overheard to say to his or her friend that "you're never really off [work]". Category: New York Eccentrics (This one is a mystery to me... either it's a joke so bad that my mind cannot fathom that it might be a joke, or I'm just dense and this is supposed to reference something I don't understand. Either way, I feel dumber and angrier just for having read it.)

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Amusing Misspellings: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 1
New York Eccentrics: 2
Precocious NY Kids: 2
Rubes in the Big City: 2

Totals YTD:
Amusing Misspellings: 15
Jaded New Yorkers: 26
New York Eccentrics: 25
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 16
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 13
Precocious NY Kids: 30
Precocious NY Pets: 6
Rubes in the Big City: 19
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-08-14

2006-08-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

I might as well as start off every entry with an apology for how long it's been. This six-week lag is my most egregious yet, and this after I supposedly picked up another reader, from the rural thumb of Michigan.

Anyway, here is my thoughtful analysis of today's Metropolitan Diary. I think I'm still fixated on the unintentional "class struggle" aspect of these Dear Diary entries so as my readers, you can either bear with me, enjoy the ride, or click that "next blog" tag up in the top right and read a much more interesting blog by a sassy housewife from a suburban area! I really don't care, I'm just that kind of blogger!

One other thing to note. In the summertime, all New Yorkers of the sort that the Metropolitan Diary is written by and about are at summer houses and send their kids to camp. So have you noticed that the Precocious NY Kids category is falling way off? Originally I thought there would ultimately only be two categories, that one and Rubes in the Big City. Clearly I did not understand the subtle nuances of the Metropolitan Diary then as I do now, but it looks like NY Kids is rapidly losing due to the summertime absence of precocious children. Perhaps if I continue with the true insane nature of my mission (which is to categorize a years' worth of the Metro Diary) I will go back through the summer and provide trending to show that with kids out of town, Precocious NY Kids Metropolitan Diary entries have a corresponding drop. I'll get back to you on this important issue!

Waitress unable to understand that customer wants rugelach AND coffee, and he has to point it out to her. Come on, as a highly paid professional, why doesn't the waitress understand what "Paul" is asking for? Category: Amusing Misspellings (Well, um, 'cause she mistook his order. All three of my readers are welcome to comment if they believe it should be in a different category.)
FYI, I usually don't comment on the poems.
Dry cleaner has sign in window offering to press suits for free if the customer is unemployed and needs it for an interview. Letter ends with "Aren't New Yorkers nice!" which really means I have no choice but to assign it the Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!
Woman spots "tired and sweaty movers" lounging on fancy antiques on hot day and refers to it as a "wonderful sight". Was she being facetious? Do not the workingmen deserve rest like the media professionals who work "just south of Union Square"? When they rise up, "Maggie", you had best have plenty of fancy chairs for all hard-working people! Category: New York Eccentrics
Woman impulsively asks passer-by to take picture of herself, a sidewalk fruit vendor, and another customer, sparking an interracial "moment of silliness". Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!
Bikers on West Side path see nun roller-blading, and crack joke that "she must be late to Mass". How did they know she was not praying for the deaths of the two disrespectful sinners? (just kidding) Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!
Woman pushes cart through line at supermarket after week at the beach, forgetting that you leave the cart at the opposite end of the line, and is called out as a rube by fellow customer in line. I do live to make fun of the Metropolitan Diary, but I have to admit I found this sort of amusing. Maybe it's just because as soon as I read it I knew I would be able to assign my favorite Category: Rubes In The Big City

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Amusing Misspellings: 1
New York Eccentrics: 1
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 2
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 1
Rubes in the Big City: 1

Totals YTD:
Amusing Misspellings: 14
Jaded New Yorkers: 25
New York Eccentrics: 23
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 16
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 13
Precocious NY Kids: 28
Precocious NY Pets: 6
Rubes in the Big City: 17
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-07-03

2006-07-03T12:40:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know, it's been awhile. Check out my other blog, it's been awhile there, too. Since I now have a hit count tracker I know that my only readers mistakenly come across this blog by searching Google for the real Metropolitan Diary so I don't feel all that guilty.

Here is the analysis for today's column:

Woman who is taking a jacket and tie to her husband for his client meeting in a cab (and who clearly does not have a job of her own and who is clearly coming from a park view apartment) notices her immigrant cab driver and an immigrant truck driver using their "limited English" to determine the score of the Germany-Costa Rica World Cup game. Category: Jaded New Yorkers (maybe I should have created a new category, "Class Warfare", to indicate my discomfort that a woman who can take a cab down from the Upper West Side to bring her husband a coat and tie is referring to people as "immigrants" and making reference to their "limited English". This is a typical Metropolitan Diary entry in which people note a cultural difference, or income discrepancy, and then try to salvage their street cred by saying something like "Talk about New York City as a melting pot".)
Woman at hotel front desk thinks the writer is talking about "Scotch taping" rather than a "Scotch tasting". Category: Amusing Misspellings
Writer finds that "New York Style Bagel Chips" are made in Bulgaria and jokes that he would have "paid a premium" if they indicated as such. Category: Jaded New Yorkers (I would have used "Rubes in the Big City" and then made a joke about the writer's ignorance about the global pursuit of the lowest possible wages, which are the reason why practically nothing is manufactured in New York City anymore, but for some reason I am delving into the political a bit too much in this analysis so I will just say that the writer is "jaded" because noticed that a somewhat stereotypically New York product is made in an area of the planet that is very dissimilar from New York and laughed it off.)
"New York daughter" refers to Disney World in California as being "on the West Side". Category: Precocious NY Kids
Woman experiencing a crowded Times Square wants to see where New Yorkers "raise the children". Category: Rubes in the Big CIty
Doorman at hotel tells visitor to "take a nap when you get home". Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!
Woman who takes a lot of cabs and finds them dirty is impressed by the accomplishments of a Haitian cab driver with seven successful children who says "God bless America". Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All (I was tempted to continue today's theme of interpreting everything in terms of class warfare and then call this category "Immigrants Aren't So Bad, After All", but that would be needlessly combative and it's a nice sunny day so I will just note that maybe "Cab Drivers Aren't So Bad, After All" and share that I had several bad cab experiences over the weekend, which makes me hypocritical in bashing Metropolitan Diary writers who take a lot of cabs.)

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Amusing Misspellings: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 2
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 1
Precocious NY Kids: 1
Rubes in the Big City: 1

Totals YTD:
Amusing Misspellings: 13
Jaded New Yorkers: 25
New York Eccentrics: 22
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 14
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 12
Precocious NY Kids: 28
Precocious NY Pets: 6
Rubes in the Big City: 16
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-05-22

2006-05-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

OK, it's only Thursday, so I'm catching back up. If they print one on Memorial Day, I'm not working, so maybe I'll actually get one of these out day of print, a rare treat for my reader(s).

Anyway, only one shocking coincidence this week. So maybe my life isn't turning into the Metropolitan Diary after all. Whew!

"Attractive young girl" grabs old man to help him across the street. He asks if she is trying to pick him up, but she says she's trying to keep him from falling down. Ha ha, he's old! Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!
Clueless dowager asks neighbor where laundry room and also how to operate the machines, because her "housekeeper is ill". Category: New York Eccentrics
Grandmother disparages crowd of tourists in the Metropolitan Museum of Art to young grandson as worse than the subway. Category: Jaded New Yorkers
Litigator's use of fancy words confuses operator at cable company. What has our society come to, that someone who answers the phone at the cable company doesn't understand the word "germane"? Category: Amusing Misspellings Not sure why this one annoyed me... I guess it's that on the one hand, the writer attempts to be somewhat humble ("Often we forget to put aside our newly acquired legalese when we engage in everyday conversations") but really it seems to me that the point of this is to make fun of a cable company operator for confusing the term "germane" with the name "Jermaine". As in, "Oh, those uneducated phone operators; they just can't understand English like we Columbia Law graduates!"
3.5-year-old says "Abracadabra!" when asked for "the magic word". Cheeky little devil! Category: Precocious NY Kids
Writer's kids learn the word "escargot" from their New York grandparents. Precocious NY Kids The kids are not from NYC, but they are beginning to pick up the pretentions of a New Yorker.
This week's poem is perhaps the worst piece of doggerel I've yet seen in the Diary, and I wouldn't normally bring it up, but it references a movie being shot on West 92nd St a few weeks ago, and how bright the lights were. Reason to feel that my life is becoming just like a Metropolitan Diary entry: I remember that movie being shot, and the bright lights shone in my apartment, just like the author of the poem!
Young boy screams for his Metrocard, is given a discarded one from the floor of the bus, shuts up, bus passengers are happy. Category: Precocious NY Kids

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Amusing Misspellings: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 1
New York Eccentrics: 1
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
Precocious NY Kids: 3

Totals YTD:
Amusing Misspellings: 12
Jaded New Yorkers: 23
New York Eccentrics: 22
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 13
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 11
Precocious NY Kids: 27
Precocious NY Pets: 6
Rubes in the Big City: 15
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-05-15

2006-05-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lateness and the skipping of 5/9's entry, I was in Spain. I know I'm a week late with this but I didn't want to let it slip since there is a crazy coincidence on the last entry... anyway, here's last week's Metropolitan Diary, and here's my commentary:

Hostess of "Upper West Side brasserie" does not associate "fresh fish" with "cooked". Category: Amusing Misspellings Tough call, but if you assume that the category takes into account those entries where a "foreigner" misspells or misinterprets something incorrectly, this is not so much more of a leap.
Person leaves flowers outside building (very near my building, I might add) for Titanic victim. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All! This is sort of turning into the Upper West Side Diary...
Woman overhears a woman say to her companion that she "went through [the Metropolitan] museum with a fine-tooth comb" in only 2.5 hours. What a dilletante! Category: Jaded New Yorkers This category will have to stand in for "Pretentious New Yorkers"... it's not fair to say that a repeat visitor to the Met is a Rube in the Big City, and I don't know what else to call this one... actually I kind of didn't get the joke because I am a video-game-playing, science-fiction-reading plebian.
Man runs through stalled traffic requesting a cold beer from other drivers. Category: New York Eccentrics More like New York Drunks, am I right?
Lawyer is told that an appeal is "not lost, just pending". Category: Jaded New Yorkers Coincidence #1 (not the "crazy" coincidence, keep reading for that one): The writer works in the building next door to the one I work in.
Woman attempts to teach the Latin roots of words to fourth-graders, and one precocious little devil mistakes a "cantor" for a "chanteuse"! How droll! Category: Precocious NY Kids
I never write anything about the poems in the Metropolitan Diary, though I have noticed that they have two things in common: they always rhyme, and they always are slightly-but-not-all-that humorous. Often they are written by a wistful older person. Review this week's poem for an example.
Tourist teen remarks that "there are more stoplights at this one corner than in our whole town". Category: Rubes in the Big City Coincidence #2: I bought my apartment from the writer and she still lives in our building. So does this mean I have become such a New Yorker that I have something about the city to relate to everything in the Metropolitan Diary? I live on the Upper West Side and work in Midtown. Wow, I'm a real New Yorker, for sure!

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Amusing Misspellings: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 2
New York Eccentrics: 1
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
Precocious NY Kids: 1
Rubes in the Big City: 1

Totals YTD:
Amusing Misspellings: 11
Jaded New Yorkers: 22
New York Eccentrics: 21
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 12
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 11
Precocious NY Kids: 24
Precocious NY Pets: 6
Rubes in the Big City: 15
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Metropolitan Diary Analysis: 2006-05-01

2006-05-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lateness. Three days in St. Louis this week. Here's what I'm talkin' about

Mother tells child she'll email the Easter Bunny. Category: Precocious NY Kids
"Destitute-looking people" make fun of writer's friend who tells coworker he'll "be available all day". Category: New York Eccentrics
Busybody theatregoer with many stories to tell about the musical "Gypsy" at Metropolitan Opera butts in on a conversation and is snapped at. Category: New York Eccentrics
Brat (amusingly) ruins Passover seder by referring to the Haggadot as a "menu". Category: Precocious NY Kids
Woman finds daffodils amid trash-strewn LIRR underpass in Forest Hills. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All! (A bit of a stretch in which maybe the underpass is the "New Yorker" which unexpectedly demonstrates beauty? What do you want from me, this is one of these supposedly heart-lifting Metro Diary entries...)
Woman is able to determine that the word "Pie", when spoken by a Japanese tourist with very poor English, means "Empire State Building". Category: Rubes in the Big City
Child is asked to name his sponsor for his (Catholic) confirmation, and suggests "Nike". Category: Precocious NY Kids

Totals for this week's Metropolitan Diary:
New York Eccentrics: 2
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
Precocious NY Kids: 3
Rubes in the Big City: 1

Totals year to date:
(Sorry these might have been off the past few weeks, I had to adjust my spreadsheet a bit)
Amusing Misspellings: 10
Jaded New Yorkers: 20
New York Eccentrics: 20
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 11
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 11
Precocious NY Kids: 23
Precocious NY Pets: 6
Rubes in the Big City: 14
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Metropolitan Diary Analysis: 2006-04-24

2006-04-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

Whoa, check it out, I found a link to all the Metropolitan Diary entries: clicky

Here's a single click for Monday's for you Fast-Paced New Yorkers: 2006-04-24

Here's the analysis:

Woman enters dog "Melvin" in raffle. Category: Precocious NY Pets (Remember, this category includes pet owners.)
Morningside Heights musicians are overheard referring to 61st & 2nd as "the middle of nowhere". Category: Jaded New Yorkers
Man makes bet with taxi driver on Florida-George Mason game; leaving the money with the driver, who lives in the nearby projects. Unexpectedly, the taxi driver pays back the wager! Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!
Panhandler bothers visiting theatre-goers, who are rescued when mounted policeman bodily picks up the "beggar" and puts him down on the other side of the street. Category: Rubes in the Big City
Man dupes Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum visitors by pretending to be a wax dummy while his daughter is talking and not looking at him. Category: Rubes in the Big City (I believe that the visiting daughter from Atlanta plus duping other museum-goers makes this a clear Rubes choice. Unless someone wants to argue for NY Eccentrics (the writer)...)

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Jaded New Yorkers: 1
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
Precocious NY Pets: 1
Rubes in the Big City: 2

Totals for year to date:
Amusing Misspellings: 9
Jaded New Yorkers: 19
New York Eccentrics: 16
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 7
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10
Precocious NY Kids: 19
Precocious NY Pets: 5
Rubes in the Big City: 11
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Metropolitan Diary Analysis: 2006-04-17

2006-04-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

Today's Metropolitan Diary

Conductor asks girlfriend to marry him at the end of a performance. Audience applauds. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All
Passerby assists woman in SUV by throwing away McDonald's bag for her without being asked. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All (Precocious NY Kids is probably not the right choice because first, the woman is driving an SUV, and second, they went to McDonald's. Catch my drift? I'm a snobby New Yorker like that :)
6-year-old brat complaining about having to take the bus instead of a taxi is silenced by reference to appearance of this story in Metropolitan Diary. Category: Precocious NY Kids (A 6-year-old recognizing a reference to the NY Times Metropolitan Diary? Complete slam-dunk for this category.)
Overhearing someone mention "an exhibit of Dada at MoMa" amuses an old(?) lady. Category: Amusing Misspellings (More like "Bad Puns", but no other category is even vaguely close... plus I don't want that commenter from Illinois to get on my case about the overuse of the "Rubes in the Big City" category again)
Man dials a third-party Directory Assistance, which refuses to give him the number for Verizon. Category: New York Eccentrics (Not sure where else to put it. I interpreted this as an old man put off by the annoyances of the modern world, so it seems that of my imperfect set of categories, it is best to think of the automated directory assistance as an eccentric New Yorker. A very specious choice, I admit, but my only other choice was "Jaded New Yorkers" -- as in, inured to the annoyanced of modern life -- but if the writer was jaded by it, why would he write in about it? OK, enough meta-commentary, it's NY Eccentrics, deal with it!)
Fellow museum patron suggests that Egyptian female pharoah Hatshepsut could have been an asset to the Democratic Party. Category: New York Eccentrics (Yeah, this is also a specious categorization, but I feel it's eccentric to make this claim to a stranger in a museum.)
Old lady seen jogging in Central Park while carrying shopping bags from fancy stores. Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers! (The typical category used when people notice New Yorkers "multitasking".)

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Amusing Misspellings: 1
New York Eccentrics: 2
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 2
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 1
Precocious NY Kids: 1

Totals for year to date:
Amusing Misspellings: 9
Jaded New Yorkers: 19
New York Eccentrics: 16
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 7
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10
Precocious NY Kids: 19
Precocious NY Pets: 5
Rubes in the Big City: 11
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Metropolitan Diary Analysis: 2006-04-10

2006-04-10T17:21:00.000-07:00

Link to today's Metro Diary

Please note: I entered the totals into a spreadsheet so I could better keep track of them if I decide to change categories or perform analysis on them. And the totals changed slightly, though no categories overtook any other categories. Perhaps if I run out of things to post I will share the spreadsheet with you. Won't that be interesting? hahahah, don't answer

Bus driver argues with passenger about whether or not there is space in the back of the bus. Category: Jaded New Yorkers (Jaded is not the perfect category; this would best fit a "Real New Yorkers" category, which could encompass the Eccentrics, Jaded, and Fast-Paced, and would utterly overtake the current leader, Precocious NY Kids. But Jaded is best for now since I don't feel like revisiting all the entries.)
Visiting 3-year-old amusingly recounts that her neighbor "lives in the garbage room". Category: Precocious NY Kids
Classy Long Island individual's rare(?) Harley-Davidson mailbox(?) is stolen, and upon complaining to individuals in post office line, they suggest that he check eBay for it. Category: Jaded New Yorkers
"Barely Spinach" soup amusingly turns out to be barley spinach soup! Oh, those foreign deli counter workers, they just can't spell properly! Category: Amusing Misspellings
Letter writer is a relatively good sport when a "well-dressed gentleman of a certain age" politely suggests that she is nagging her daughter. Category: New York Eccentrics (Not easy to categorize this one. I will deem the older gentleman an "eccentric" for calling out the letter writer. If I had a "Real New Yorkers" category, the writer/nagger would certainly fall in that category.)
Pregnant woman cracks joke at slogan on Post Office truck: "We deliver for you." Category: Jaded New Yorkers (Again, I think more that the pregnant woman would be a "Real New Yorker" but perhaps it'll end up there someday. Don't you just love my asinine meta-commentary?)
Sales tax auditor demonstrates negative worldview upon hearing Kafka slogan. Category: Jaded New Yorkers (insert same interesting meta-commentary here as above)

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Amusing Misspellings: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 4
New York Eccentrics: 1
Precocious NY Kids: 1

Totals for year to date:
Precocious NY Kids: 19
Jaded New Yorkers: 19
New York Eccentrics: 16
Rubes in the Big City: 11
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10
Amusing Misspellings: 9
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 7
Precocious NY Pets: 5
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-04-03

2006-04-03T17:36:00.000-07:00

OK, so everyone in the blogosphere has mentioned the NY Times redesign, so I will only say that the "Today's Paper" link helped me find the Metropolitan Diary far faster. (Dear Diary - New York Times) Excellent job, NY Times crew. However, that will not stop me from making fun of the Metropolitan Diary on this blog.

Girl hanging out with a group of teenagers in Times Square is asked by her father, the bus driver, if her mother knows where she is; she replies affirmatively and he is satisfied. Category: Precocious NY Kids
Sign in theater apologizes for the lack of heat; ironically, it is showing the movie "Eight Below". Category: Amusing Misspellings (I know this is not a misspelling, but I am considering renaming the category "Very Punny!" or or something like that. Originally I was going to call it "Foreigners Just Can't Spell Like Us!" but that would perhaps not be taken to poke fun at Metro Diary letter writers as I would have meant it, and also wouldn't apply to situations like this. Anyway, you couldn't give a rat's ass about my stupid categories so I'll shut up now. Just wanted to explain.)
Woman's husband misses stop on visit to Douglaston; friendly conductor writes a "special code" on the back of the ticket which, when examined closely, calls him out as an idiot. Category: Jaded New Yorkers (I have to say, I actually found this kind of funny.)
Father on cell phone misses conversation between 4-year-old and 6-year-old in which the latter adds a witty addendum to "Old MacDonald Had a Farm": "And a beach house, too." Category: Precocious NY Kids (This is the gold standard for this category. A 6-year-old knowing about a beach house! A prototypical Precocious NY Kid.)
Man, upon seeing doorman bark at dog owned by (presumed) building resident, begins "yipping" himself. Category: New York Eccentrics
Woman, upon returning to her "home in Manhattan after a year in London", confusedly attempts to swipe MetroCard on the way out of the station as they do on the tube. Category: Rubes in the Big City (Technically, the writer lived in the city before, but this is clearly a rube-like situation. Plus I'm calling her out for smugly making sure we know she kept her "home in Manhattan" while she lived abroad.)
Writer notices a man shaving while hailing a cab, and a woman eating cornflakes from the box while getting out her MetroCard. Punchline: she takes oatmeal to the office and microwaves it. New Yorkers are such multi-taskers! Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Precocious NY Kids: 2
Amusing Misspellings: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 1
New York Eccentrics: 1
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 1

Totals for year to date:
Precocious NY Kids: 17
Jaded New Yorkers: 13
New York Eccentrics: 13
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 11
Rubes in the Big City: 10
Precocious NY Pets: 6
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 7
Amusing Misspellings: 5
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF:2

Metropolitan Diary Analysis: 2006-03-27

2006-04-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the late report, I was in New Orleans this weekend and then St. Louis, and it took me awhile to catch up. This was Monday's Metro Diary; below is my summary and witty(?) commentary:

Cranky old lady in fancy building (Ansonia) has hated the 12th floor for 54 years. Category: New York Eccentrics (Aside: do any of my (so far nonexistent) readers think there should be a category specifically for old people? I have been thinking that this is a critical component of the Metropolitan Diary; old peoples' reactions to modern situations. Comment if you think so...)
Third-grader complains about her first day back after February break. Category: Precocious NY Kids
After several cable guys visit writer's apartment to solve son's cable problem, one determines that a pigeon has eaten the cable. Cue unfunny punchline. Category: Precocious NY Pets (OK, a pigeon isn't a pet, but this clearly falls in the common Metro Diary genre of a "savvy New York animal" of some sort; imagine something about a squirrel seen drinking from a "greek" coffee cup, or a sparrow getting on the subway (I think they actually wrote about that a few years ago), or a rat stealing a MetroCard. Then the writer would say "Looks like a real New York (squirrel/sparrow/rat)!" I suppose if I rename the category Precocious NY Animals if would make sense. But that's a pain. So bear with me.)
Illegally(?) parked Fire Department vehicle draws envious note from mounted policeman. Category: New York Eccentrics
Father advises 5-year-old to push onto crowded elevator by saying "Pretend it's the subway!" Category: Precocious NY Kids
Man and doctor wife overhear conversation surmising that only "doctors and drug dealers" still carry pagers. Category: Jaded New Yorkers
Man writes letter of praise to MTA because he met his wife on the M96 crosstown bus. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:

New York Eccentrics: 2

Precocious NY Kids: 2

Precocious NY Pets: 1

Jaded New Yorkers: 1

New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1

Totals for year to date:

Precocious NY Kids: 15

Jaded New Yorkers: 12

New York Eccentrics: 12

Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10

Rubes in the Big City: 10

Precocious NY Pets: 6

New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 7

Amusing Misspellings: 4

Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3

WTF:2

I will comment here that, as I suspected, Precocious NY Kids is well in the lead. However, there may come a time in which I combine the Jaded NYers, NY Eccentrics, and Fast-Paced NYers categories into a single super category which incorporates the "New Yorkiness" of NYC residents. Again, comments welcome. Eh, who am I kidding? My wife is the only person who reads this...

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-03-20

2006-03-22T22:46:00.000-08:00

Link to Monday's Metropolitan Diary
I have to say that this was one of the least funny Metropolitan Diaries in recent memory.

Little boy asks senior citizens "How do you get to be old?" Category: Precocious NY Kids
In a rare religious Metro Diary story, a "large man in camouflage" on the subway claims he shows "his devotion to God through his actions" when "grilled" "about not going church". Then, as if God gave him the chance to show said devotion, he leaps up to help a sick passenger. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All
Man near U.N. hears someone order a "Kofi Annan bagel", but it turns out he's saying "coffee and a bagel"! Oh, that's rich! Category: Amusing Misspellings
Bostonian gets lost in Queens on way home from Brooklyn; cop takes Bostonian on confusing ride through Queens; Bostonian is eventually led right to the BQE. Category: Rubes in the Big City
Oh, the irony: Bathroom in showroom of bathroom contractor is out of order! Category: Jaded New Yorkers (by this I mean the contractor; I really didn't know what to call this one)
New Jersey 4-year-old "Avigayil" asks if she has a "New York accident". Category: Amusing Misspellings (this one misses Precocious NY Kids by virtue of the kid being a NJ resident)

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Precocious NY Kids: 1
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
Amusing Misspellings: 2
Rubes in the Big City: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 1

Totals for year to date:
Precocious NY Kids: 13
Jaded New Yorkers: 11
New York Eccentrics: 10
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10
Rubes in the Big City: 10
Precocious NY Pets: 5
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 6
Amusing Misspellings: 4
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF:2

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-03-13

2006-03-13T19:59:00.000-08:00

Link to today's Metropolitan Diary

Mother tells children to behave themselves because "This is the Upper East Side, not the Upper West Side." Category: Jaded New Yorkers
No one offers a seat to a pregnant lady on a B train until she makes a sarcastic wisecrack. Category: Jaded New Yorkers
Husband mistakes Jasper Johns for "the johns" (e.g. toilets) and wife gets irritated. Category: Amusing Misspellings

Hadn't thought I could use that category again but this fits close enough. Plus you all would get irritated if I continue to use Jaded New Yorkers for everything in today's Metropolitan Diary analysis.

Man writes long, uplifting letter to child ("Malachy") whose father found the writer's wallet and returned it to him without accepting a reward. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!

OK, this was the last straw; there were too many of these to continue to ignore the category. (Though briefly I considered putting this in Precocious NY Kids because the kid's name is Malachy, which marks a pretentious parent if you ask me.) By creating this category now, I had to go back and edit several other entries, which changed the overall totals some, which mostly hurt Rubes in the Big City.

Young woman at Turkish restaurant amazes patron by knowing the difference between an "I-need-a-toothpick look" and a "looking for the men's room look". Category: New York Eccentrics
Friend Dave does not know that North Face is a clothing manufacturer; thinks it is a school. Category: Rubes in the Big City

I admit I'm stretching this category as "Dave" is clearly coming "across town" on the 86th St bus, which indicates that he lives on the Upper East Side, but the letter is clearly designed to paint him as clueless or a buffoon, and the closest category is Rubes in the Big City. Plus that category suffered upon introduction of the new New Yorkers Aren't So Bad category.

"I Love You You Don't Even Know" written in snow on a car. Category: New York Eccentrics

Admittedly another stretch but I didn't know how to do it. Maybe I should go with "Maudlin Shit That Has No Right To Be In Metropolitan Diary" and that'll knock out that letter to Malachy as well?

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Jaded New Yorkers: 2
Amusing Misspellings: 1
*NEW!* New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
New York Eccentrics: 2
Rubes in the Big City: 1

Totals for year to date:
Precocious NY Kids: 12
New York Eccentrics: 10
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10
Jaded New Yorkers: 10
Rubes in the Big City: 9
Precocious NY Pets: 5
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 5
Amusing Misspellings: 4
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF:2

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-03-06

2006-03-11T13:08:00.000-08:00

Alright, so in my third week of this blog, I've fallen off. Sorry. Hope you non-Select folks can still read this link to Monday's Metropolitan Diary.

Friend becomes HIV+, loses dog, police come immediately and drive him recklessly through the neighborhood looking for dog, dog found in shelter, later man plans an 11th birthday party for dog. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All

Second item leading to the creation of the "New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!" category.

On 26th anniversary, wife refers to couples that don't "make it this long" as "wimps". Category: Jaded New Yorkers
B train running on F track is referred to as an F train, to amazement of (potential) rube. Category: Rubes in the Big City

I suppose it is unfair to refer to the writer as a rube as he or she starts with "The New York Subway never ceases to amaze me." But I still have ridden the subway enough to know that this is a fairly common occurrance, particularly in my neighborhood where the 5 has been running in place of the 2 train on weekends for months now. So thus to be so "amazed" by this smacks of the rube to me, a classic Jaded New Yorker.

Parents forced to litter in park as it was too clean to teach 3-year-olds about recycling. Category: Precocious NY Kids

This is really "Precocious NY Parents" or "Dipshit NY Parents" if you like, but I try to use these categories interchangeably.

Out-of-towners ask for directions, savvy NY resident makes determination that it will take them far longer than him to find location. Category: Rubes in the Big City
Correction Department bus says "New York's Boldest" on the back, to amazement of writer. Category: Rubes in the Big City

Yes, I've been harshly judging writers as rubes today, but in this case, I actually knew that Correction Department workers referred to themselves as New York's Boldest, as you can see on their web page. I knew this because I once read in the NY Times that, besides NYPD = New York's Finest and FDNY = Bravest, the Correction Department is the Boldest, and the Sanitation Department the Strongest. Here is an extremely well researched article on the origins of these names.

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 1
Rubes in the Big City: 3
Precocious NY Kids: 1

Totals for year to date:
Precocious NY Kids: 12
New York Eccentrics: 10
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10
Jaded New Yorkers: 10
Rubes in the Big City: 8
Precocious NY Pets: 5
Amusing Misspellings: 4
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 4
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF:2

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-02-27

2006-02-27T15:56:00.000-08:00

Link to today's Metropolitan Diary

Second-grade girl says something precocious to help a fellow student and gets her father's voice back(?!). Category: Precocious NY Kids
Passer-by overhears conversation about pies, cracks on George W. Bush. Category: New York Eccentrics
Business guy lifts old woman up over snowbank and goes about his busy day without a word. Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!
Girl misspells the word "sleigh", has a "brain freeze", dazzles old lady named "Peninnah Schram" (I swear I am not making this up!). Categories: Amusing Misspellings, Precocious NY KIds
Father gives kid advice on being honest with storekeepers but taking advantage of others in business. Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!
Boyfriend proposes to woman on Battery Park boardwalk, onlookers cheer; later, eavesdroppers in East Village restaurant congratulate them. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All (This was the first entry which made me think of introducing this new category, as this was not really a Rube story, as the previous Aren't So Bad entries were.)

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Precocious NY Kids: 2
New York Eccentrics: 1
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 2
Amusing Misspellings: 1
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1

Totals for year to date:
Precocious NY Kids: 11
New York Eccentrics: 10
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10
Jaded New Yorkers: 9
Rubes in the Big City: 5
Precocious NY Pets: 4
Amusing Misspellings: 4
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 3
WTF:2

Fake Entries #s 3 and 4

2006-02-25T16:40:00.000-08:00

I saw a young man wearing a rainbow-colored hat and an orange jacket with suede patches walking a small spaniel in a red sweater. Surprisingly, there was a woman with him! Category: Precocious New York Men
Later, while walking down Columbus Avenue, I heard a middle-aged lady say to her friend, "I've seen 'em throw up right in front of me and I think, oh boy, it's winter throw-up season!" Oh, those precocious throwing-up kids! Category: Precocious New York Kids

Bruno Gigante

Fake Entry #2

2006-02-25T16:33:00.000-08:00

In Central Park near West 92nd, I saw a little Asian girl pushing a scooter and talking to her mother, who was pushing a small pink bike with training wheels. The girl stopped right in front of me, pointed, and said something to her mother. I didn't know what she said because I don't understand their language.

Irving Geezmeyer

Category: Crotchety Old New Yorkers

Fake Entry #1

2006-02-20T13:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

While walking on the Upper West Side today, I saw a middle-aged lady walking a small dog. In one hand she was intently reading the New Yorker, and in the other hand she held a paper towel full of her dog's feces. Clearly she was multitasking!
Myron Dilznick

Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers / Precocious NY Pets

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-02-20

2006-02-20T13:28:00.000-08:00

Now that I've caught up to the current week, I can link to the 2/20/06 Metropolitan Diary to which this entry refers. Read today's Metro Diary and use the below categories as a handy guide to help you follow along!

Dog only wants to walk on blocks where pet stores are located. Category: Precocious NY Pets
Kid claims mother, a psychiatrist, is an astronaut. Category: Precocious NY Kids
"Scruffy" New York hipster overheard blaming society for everything. Category: New York Eccentrics
Woman is rollerblading, talking on a cell phone, and pushing a baby carriage. Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!
Rube spotted reading "New York City for Dummies" while driving over Williamsburg Bridge. Category: Rubes in the Big City
Daughter exclaims with pleasure that a home-cooked Indian meal "tastes like takeout". Category: Precocious NY Kids
Person "strumming" on bars of subway station. Category: New York Eccentrics

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Precocious NY Pets: 1
Precocious NY Kids: 2
New York Eccentrics: 2
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 1
Rubes in the Big City: 1

Totals for year to date:
Jaded New Yorkers: 9
Precocious NY Kids: 9
New York Eccentrics: 9
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 8
Rubes in the Big City: 5
Precocious NY Pets: 4
Amusing Misspellings: 3
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF:2

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-02-13

2006-02-13T13:22:00.000-08:00

Single woman's reaction to a "Hot Heros" sign. Category: Single New York Woman's Perspective
"Character" pointing out a hawk in Inwood. Category: New York Eccentrics
Person brushing their teeth as they cross the street. Categories: New York Eccentrics / Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!
Story about a suited person with a bouquet of deli flowers and a student type with a single red rose. Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!
Woman having to sign for a prescription for her pet as June (Cat) Mendelson. Category: Precocious NY Pets

Admittedly, this is about a precocious pet owner rather than a precocious pet, but in the interest of reducing the number of categories I'll leave it be

Kid asking Grandpa how much he would get for making a phone call to his cell. Category: Precocious NY Kids

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 1
New York Eccentrics: 2
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 2
Precocious NY Pets: 1
Precocious NY Kids: 1

Totals for year to date:
Jaded New Yorkers: 9
Precocious NY Kids: 8
New York Eccentrics: 7
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 7
Rubes in the Big City: 4
Amusing Misspellings: 3
Precocious NY Pets: 3
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF:2

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-02-06

2006-02-06T13:16:00.000-08:00

Kid would trade his father for a cat. Category: Precocious NY Kids
Wealthy philanthropist claims to have pneumonia to avoid fund-raising events. Category: Jaded New Yorkers
Random acts of kindness (return of additional change at bodega, return of cell phone in subway, return of lost check) greet new arrival to NYC. Categories: Rubes in the Big City, New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All
Guy tells nurse which eye to operate on in an eccentric manner. Category: New York Eccentrics / WTF

This one had a bit of the WTF factor, as in why the hell was this included?

Person talking loudly on cell phone on bus ("fast-paced") must be drowned out by person singing opera ("eccentric"). Categories: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers! / New York Eccentrics
Person attempts to speak to another person in post office line; another person speaks for the group when she says "I hate it when weird strangers talk to me". Category: Jaded New Yorkers

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Precocious NY Kids: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 2
Rubes in the Big City: 1
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
New York Eccentrics: 2
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 2
WTF: 1

Totals for year to date:
Jaded New Yorkers: 9
Precocious NY Kids: 7
New York Eccentrics: 5
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 5
Rubes in the Big City: 4
Amusing Misspellings: 3
Precocious NY Pets: 2
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 2
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 2
WTF:2

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-01-30

2006-01-30T13:14:00.000-08:00

Divorced woman's reaction to learning that a pillow with armrests for reading in bed is called a "husband". Category: Single New York Woman's Perspective
After MTA train is halted in Mamroneck, couple offers writer and person from Tennessee a ride to the city, cautioning person from Tennessee "Now don't go back and say New Yorkers are not nice." Categories: Rubes in the Big City, New Yorkers Aren't So Bad After All
Misspelling in window of Harlem store: "Repairs done on promises". Category: Amusing Misspellings
6-year-old girl whose mother recently gave birth refers to pain from a stomach virus as "contractions". Category: Precocious NY Kids
Video store clerk thinks request for Woody Allen's "Anything Else" is a request for a recommendation. Category: Amusing Misspellings

Really this is an unamusing misinterpretation, but I have enough categories already

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 1
Rubes in the Big City: 1
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
Amusing Misspellings: 2
Precocious NY Kids: 1

Totals for year to date:
Jaded New Yorkers: 7
Precocious NY Kids: 6
New York Eccentrics: 3
Rubes in the Big City: 3
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 3
Amusing Misspellings: 3
Precocious NY Pets: 2
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 2
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
WTF: 1

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-01-23

2006-01-23T13:01:00.000-08:00

Extra on "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" gets tired of explaining title to passers-by (e.g. rubes?) and renames movie to "Gone With The Wind 3". Category: Jaded New Yorkers
5-year-old told during private school interview that "he was very, very smart" and responds: "Everyone in my family is smart. It's in the pants." Category: Precocious NY Kids
Recollection of watching Shelley Winters loudly whistle for a cab. Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!
Brooklynite refers to Bronx-Brooklyn marriage as "mixed". Category: Jaded New Yorkers

This is more a "provincial New Yorker" than a jaded one; if the trend continues I may add a new category

Performance review yields this comment: "If you spell Bob backwards, you get Bob. And that's what's great about Bob: you always know he's going to be Bob." Category: WTF

No idea how to categorize it except as "WTF is this doing in Metro Diary?"

Person runs after a bus for blocks, finally catching it, and is told by a passenger: "We were all rooting for you." Category: Jaded New Yorkers

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Jaded New Yorkers: 3
Precocious NY Kids: 1
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 1
WTF: 1

Totals for year to date:
Jaded New Yorkers: 7
Precocious NY Kids: 5
New York Eccentrics: 3
Rubes in the Big City: 2
Precocious NY Pets: 2
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 3
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 1
Amusing Misspellings: 1
WTF: 1

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-01-16

2006-01-16T12:48:00.000-08:00

Woman is pushing a dog in a baby carriage. Category: Precocious NY Pets
Woman states ''Valentine's Day already? That's it. We're leaving.'' upon seeing that holiday's trappings at a post-Christmas sale. Category: Single New York Woman's Perspective

Mitigating factor: this story takes place in a mall in Garden City and so is not strictly from a New York City perspective

Woman "kicks out the kinks" after a Central Park run while waiting for traffic light near Columbus Circle and is told "you're hired!" Category: New York Eccentrics
Limo at airport has name "Rich" in window ("fast-paced NY'er") and child states "Why do they have to announce it?" ("precocious NY kid") Categories: Precocious NY Kids / Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!
Wallpaper and paint store's W and P are faded leading to an "amusing" misspelling. Category: Amusing Misspellings
Polish housekeeper also does accounting work. Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!
Old lady uses fat man on crutches to shield her from the wind at a crosswalk. Category: New York Eccentrics

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Precocious NY Pets: 1
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 1
New York Eccentrics: 2
Precocious NY Kids: 1
Amusing Misspellings: 1
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 2

Totals for year to date:
Jaded New Yorkers: 4
Precocious NY Kids: 4
New York Eccentrics: 3
Rubes in the Big City: 2
Precocious NY Pets: 2
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 2
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 1
Amusing Misspellings: 1

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-01-09

2006-01-09T12:41:00.000-08:00

Writer and fellow subway rider find an abandoned plastic bag; discuss whether or not to report it; finally the rider decides it is someone's lunch and crushes it. Category: Jaded New Yorkers
4-year-old tells Grandma's housekeeper(!) he wants to be a "person" when he grows up. Category: Precocious NY Kids
Woman tells her "canine grandson" to "drop it!"; a man overhears and drops a glove he was picking up off the street. Categories: Precocious NY Pets / New York Eccentrics
10-year-old Red Sox fan is distraught over Johnny Damon's move to the Yankees, but still tells Dad she would live with least favorite classmate's family for double the allowance. Category: Precocious NY Kids

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Jaded New Yorkers: 1
Precocious NY Kids: 2
Precocious NY Pets: 1
New York Eccentrics: 1

Totals for year to date:
Jaded New Yorkers: 4
Precocious NY Kids: 3
Rubes in the Big City: 2
Precocious NY Pets: 1
New York Eccentrics: 1

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-01-02

2006-01-02T12:35:00.000-08:00

In this recycled urban legend (later corrected), person in bathroom stall is engaged in conversation with someone who it turns out is on their cell phone. Category: Jaded New Yorkers
Person cannot walk to podiatrist due to transit strike. Category: Jaded New Yorkers
Woman overheard telilng policeman that her garage is closed and she cannot park her Bentley. Category: Jaded New Yorkers
4-year-old would "like to get her old life back" after birth of baby brother. Category: Precocious NY Kids
Tourist asks reason for heavy police presence and witty officer tells her ''There's a sale at Macy's." Category: Rubes in the Big City
Traveler loses eyeglasses and picks them up from a bin in baggage claim; is told "I've never seen anyone travel so light". Category: Rubes in the Big City

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Jaded New Yorkers: 3
Precocious NY Kids: 1
Rubes in the Big City: 2

Welcome to the Fake Metropolitan Diary

2006-01-01T11:19:00.000-08:00

Every Monday, I read the Metropolitan Diary and get annoyed that it only ever highlights what I think are three common trends:

Precocious/spoiled kids
A cute story about pets or pet-crazy New Yorkers
Rubes' reactions to New York (either first-person or from the perspective of a jaded New Yorker)

Thanks to my New York Times Select account, I was able to indulge myself to perform a deeper analysis of the themes of the Metropolitan Diary for the year to date. I have ignored poems and have summarized the individual stories, rather than included them in their entirety, so as not to get into copyright trouble.

I have tried to back-date these entries to correspond to the Monday the particular Metro Diary was posted (and so that this is the first entry), but if that's not possible, they they will all just follow this one, and contain a summary at the end. I also plan to, as the weeks go on, write my own Fake Metropolitan Diary entries which emphasize the more annoying things that I see in my travels throughout the city, particularly my neighborhood in the West 90's.