Fake Metropolitan Diary

Spirited analysis of the weekly "Metropolitan Diary" column in the New York Times along with my own fake Metropolitan Diary entries.

Name:
Location: New York, New York, United States

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-03-20

Link to Monday's Metropolitan Diary
I have to say that this was one of the least funny Metropolitan Diaries in recent memory.
  • Little boy asks senior citizens "How do you get to be old?" Category: Precocious NY Kids
  • In a rare religious Metro Diary story, a "large man in camouflage" on the subway claims he shows "his devotion to God through his actions" when "grilled" "about not going church". Then, as if God gave him the chance to show said devotion, he leaps up to help a sick passenger. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All
  • Man near U.N. hears someone order a "Kofi Annan bagel", but it turns out he's saying "coffee and a bagel"! Oh, that's rich! Category: Amusing Misspellings
  • Bostonian gets lost in Queens on way home from Brooklyn; cop takes Bostonian on confusing ride through Queens; Bostonian is eventually led right to the BQE. Category: Rubes in the Big City
  • Oh, the irony: Bathroom in showroom of bathroom contractor is out of order! Category: Jaded New Yorkers (by this I mean the contractor; I really didn't know what to call this one)
  • New Jersey 4-year-old "Avigayil" asks if she has a "New York accident". Category: Amusing Misspellings (this one misses Precocious NY Kids by virtue of the kid being a NJ resident)
Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Precocious NY Kids: 1
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
Amusing Misspellings: 2
Rubes in the Big City: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 1

Totals for year to date:

Precocious NY Kids: 13

Jaded New Yorkers: 11
New York Eccentrics: 10
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10

Rubes in the Big City: 10
Precocious NY Pets: 5

New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 6
Amusing Misspellings: 4
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3

WTF:2

Monday, March 13, 2006

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-03-13

Link to today's Metropolitan Diary
  • Mother tells children to behave themselves because "This is the Upper East Side, not the Upper West Side." Category: Jaded New Yorkers
  • No one offers a seat to a pregnant lady on a B train until she makes a sarcastic wisecrack. Category: Jaded New Yorkers
  • Husband mistakes Jasper Johns for "the johns" (e.g. toilets) and wife gets irritated. Category: Amusing Misspellings
    • Hadn't thought I could use that category again but this fits close enough. Plus you all would get irritated if I continue to use Jaded New Yorkers for everything in today's Metropolitan Diary analysis.
  • Man writes long, uplifting letter to child ("Malachy") whose father found the writer's wallet and returned it to him without accepting a reward. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!
    • OK, this was the last straw; there were too many of these to continue to ignore the category. (Though briefly I considered putting this in Precocious NY Kids because the kid's name is Malachy, which marks a pretentious parent if you ask me.) By creating this category now, I had to go back and edit several other entries, which changed the overall totals some, which mostly hurt Rubes in the Big City.
  • Young woman at Turkish restaurant amazes patron by knowing the difference between an "I-need-a-toothpick look" and a "looking for the men's room look". Category: New York Eccentrics
  • Friend Dave does not know that North Face is a clothing manufacturer; thinks it is a school. Category: Rubes in the Big City
    • I admit I'm stretching this category as "Dave" is clearly coming "across town" on the 86th St bus, which indicates that he lives on the Upper East Side, but the letter is clearly designed to paint him as clueless or a buffoon, and the closest category is Rubes in the Big City. Plus that category suffered upon introduction of the new New Yorkers Aren't So Bad category.
  • "I Love You You Don't Even Know" written in snow on a car. Category: New York Eccentrics
    • Admittedly another stretch but I didn't know how to do it. Maybe I should go with "Maudlin Shit That Has No Right To Be In Metropolitan Diary" and that'll knock out that letter to Malachy as well?
Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Jaded New Yorkers: 2
Amusing Misspellings: 1
*NEW!* New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
New York Eccentrics: 2
Rubes in the Big City: 1


Totals for year to date:
Precocious NY Kids: 12

New York Eccentrics: 10

Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10

Jaded New Yorkers: 10

Rubes in the Big City: 9

Precocious NY Pets: 5

New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 5
Amusing Misspellings: 4
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3

WTF:2

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-03-06

Alright, so in my third week of this blog, I've fallen off. Sorry. Hope you non-Select folks can still read this link to Monday's Metropolitan Diary.
  • Friend becomes HIV+, loses dog, police come immediately and drive him recklessly through the neighborhood looking for dog, dog found in shelter, later man plans an 11th birthday party for dog. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All
    • Second item leading to the creation of the "New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!" category.
  • On 26th anniversary, wife refers to couples that don't "make it this long" as "wimps". Category: Jaded New Yorkers
  • B train running on F track is referred to as an F train, to amazement of (potential) rube. Category: Rubes in the Big City
    • I suppose it is unfair to refer to the writer as a rube as he or she starts with "The New York Subway never ceases to amaze me." But I still have ridden the subway enough to know that this is a fairly common occurrance, particularly in my neighborhood where the 5 has been running in place of the 2 train on weekends for months now. So thus to be so "amazed" by this smacks of the rube to me, a classic Jaded New Yorker.
  • Parents forced to litter in park as it was too clean to teach 3-year-olds about recycling. Category: Precocious NY Kids
    • This is really "Precocious NY Parents" or "Dipshit NY Parents" if you like, but I try to use these categories interchangeably.
  • Out-of-towners ask for directions, savvy NY resident makes determination that it will take them far longer than him to find location. Category: Rubes in the Big City
  • Correction Department bus says "New York's Boldest" on the back, to amazement of writer. Category: Rubes in the Big City
    • Yes, I've been harshly judging writers as rubes today, but in this case, I actually knew that Correction Department workers referred to themselves as New York's Boldest, as you can see on their web page. I knew this because I once read in the NY Times that, besides NYPD = New York's Finest and FDNY = Bravest, the Correction Department is the Boldest, and the Sanitation Department the Strongest. Here is an extremely well researched article on the origins of these names.
Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 1

Rubes in the Big City: 3

Precocious NY Kids: 1


Totals for year to date:

Precocious NY Kids: 12

New York Eccentrics: 10

Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10

Jaded New Yorkers: 10

Rubes in the Big City: 8

Precocious NY Pets: 5

Amusing Misspellings: 4

New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 4
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF:2