Fake Metropolitan Diary

Spirited analysis of the weekly "Metropolitan Diary" column in the New York Times along with my own fake Metropolitan Diary entries.

Name:
Location: New York, New York, United States

Friday, April 28, 2006

Metropolitan Diary Analysis: 2006-04-24

Whoa, check it out, I found a link to all the Metropolitan Diary entries: clicky

Here's a single click for Monday's for you Fast-Paced New Yorkers: 2006-04-24

Here's the analysis:
  • Woman enters dog "Melvin" in raffle. Category: Precocious NY Pets (Remember, this category includes pet owners.)
  • Morningside Heights musicians are overheard referring to 61st & 2nd as "the middle of nowhere". Category: Jaded New Yorkers
  • Man makes bet with taxi driver on Florida-George Mason game; leaving the money with the driver, who lives in the nearby projects. Unexpectedly, the taxi driver pays back the wager! Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!
  • Panhandler bothers visiting theatre-goers, who are rescued when mounted policeman bodily picks up the "beggar" and puts him down on the other side of the street. Category: Rubes in the Big City
  • Man dupes Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum visitors by pretending to be a wax dummy while his daughter is talking and not looking at him. Category: Rubes in the Big City (I believe that the visiting daughter from Atlanta plus duping other museum-goers makes this a clear Rubes choice. Unless someone wants to argue for NY Eccentrics (the writer)...)
Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Jaded New Yorkers: 1
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1
Precocious NY Pets: 1
Rubes in the Big City: 2

Totals for year to date:
Amusing Misspellings: 9
Jaded New Yorkers: 19
New York Eccentrics: 16
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 7
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10
Precocious NY Kids: 19
Precocious NY Pets: 5
Rubes in the Big City: 11
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Monday, April 17, 2006

Metropolitan Diary Analysis: 2006-04-17

Today's Metropolitan Diary
  • Conductor asks girlfriend to marry him at the end of a performance. Audience applauds. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All
  • Passerby assists woman in SUV by throwing away McDonald's bag for her without being asked. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All (Precocious NY Kids is probably not the right choice because first, the woman is driving an SUV, and second, they went to McDonald's. Catch my drift? I'm a snobby New Yorker like that :)
  • 6-year-old brat complaining about having to take the bus instead of a taxi is silenced by reference to appearance of this story in Metropolitan Diary. Category: Precocious NY Kids (A 6-year-old recognizing a reference to the NY Times Metropolitan Diary? Complete slam-dunk for this category.)
  • Overhearing someone mention "an exhibit of Dada at MoMa" amuses an old(?) lady. Category: Amusing Misspellings (More like "Bad Puns", but no other category is even vaguely close... plus I don't want that commenter from Illinois to get on my case about the overuse of the "Rubes in the Big City" category again)
  • Man dials a third-party Directory Assistance, which refuses to give him the number for Verizon. Category: New York Eccentrics (Not sure where else to put it. I interpreted this as an old man put off by the annoyances of the modern world, so it seems that of my imperfect set of categories, it is best to think of the automated directory assistance as an eccentric New Yorker. A very specious choice, I admit, but my only other choice was "Jaded New Yorkers" -- as in, inured to the annoyanced of modern life -- but if the writer was jaded by it, why would he write in about it? OK, enough meta-commentary, it's NY Eccentrics, deal with it!)
  • Fellow museum patron suggests that Egyptian female pharoah Hatshepsut could have been an asset to the Democratic Party. Category: New York Eccentrics (Yeah, this is also a specious categorization, but I feel it's eccentric to make this claim to a stranger in a museum.)
  • Old lady seen jogging in Central Park while carrying shopping bags from fancy stores. Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers! (The typical category used when people notice New Yorkers "multitasking".)
Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Amusing Misspellings: 1
New York Eccentrics: 2
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 2
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 1
Precocious NY Kids: 1

Totals for year to date:
Amusing Misspellings: 9
Jaded New Yorkers: 19
New York Eccentrics: 16
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 7
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10
Precocious NY Kids: 19
Precocious NY Pets: 5
Rubes in the Big City: 11
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Monday, April 10, 2006

Metropolitan Diary Analysis: 2006-04-10

Link to today's Metro Diary

Please note: I entered the totals into a spreadsheet so I could better keep track of them if I decide to change categories or perform analysis on them. And the totals changed slightly, though no categories overtook any other categories. Perhaps if I run out of things to post I will share the spreadsheet with you. Won't that be interesting? hahahah, don't answer

  • Bus driver argues with passenger about whether or not there is space in the back of the bus. Category: Jaded New Yorkers (Jaded is not the perfect category; this would best fit a "Real New Yorkers" category, which could encompass the Eccentrics, Jaded, and Fast-Paced, and would utterly overtake the current leader, Precocious NY Kids. But Jaded is best for now since I don't feel like revisiting all the entries.)
  • Visiting 3-year-old amusingly recounts that her neighbor "lives in the garbage room". Category: Precocious NY Kids
  • Classy Long Island individual's rare(?) Harley-Davidson mailbox(?) is stolen, and upon complaining to individuals in post office line, they suggest that he check eBay for it. Category: Jaded New Yorkers
  • "Barely Spinach" soup amusingly turns out to be barley spinach soup! Oh, those foreign deli counter workers, they just can't spell properly! Category: Amusing Misspellings
  • Letter writer is a relatively good sport when a "well-dressed gentleman of a certain age" politely suggests that she is nagging her daughter. Category: New York Eccentrics (Not easy to categorize this one. I will deem the older gentleman an "eccentric" for calling out the letter writer. If I had a "Real New Yorkers" category, the writer/nagger would certainly fall in that category.)
  • Pregnant woman cracks joke at slogan on Post Office truck: "We deliver for you." Category: Jaded New Yorkers (Again, I think more that the pregnant woman would be a "Real New Yorker" but perhaps it'll end up there someday. Don't you just love my asinine meta-commentary?)
  • Sales tax auditor demonstrates negative worldview upon hearing Kafka slogan. Category: Jaded New Yorkers (insert same interesting meta-commentary here as above)
Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Amusing Misspellings: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 4
New York Eccentrics: 1
Precocious NY Kids: 1

Totals for year to date:
Precocious NY Kids: 19
Jaded New Yorkers: 19
New York Eccentrics: 16
Rubes in the Big City: 11
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10
Amusing Misspellings: 9
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 7
Precocious NY Pets: 5
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Monday, April 03, 2006

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-04-03

OK, so everyone in the blogosphere has mentioned the NY Times redesign, so I will only say that the "Today's Paper" link helped me find the Metropolitan Diary far faster. (Dear Diary - New York Times) Excellent job, NY Times crew. However, that will not stop me from making fun of the Metropolitan Diary on this blog.
  • Girl hanging out with a group of teenagers in Times Square is asked by her father, the bus driver, if her mother knows where she is; she replies affirmatively and he is satisfied. Category: Precocious NY Kids
  • Sign in theater apologizes for the lack of heat; ironically, it is showing the movie "Eight Below". Category: Amusing Misspellings (I know this is not a misspelling, but I am considering renaming the category "Very Punny!" or or something like that. Originally I was going to call it "Foreigners Just Can't Spell Like Us!" but that would perhaps not be taken to poke fun at Metro Diary letter writers as I would have meant it, and also wouldn't apply to situations like this. Anyway, you couldn't give a rat's ass about my stupid categories so I'll shut up now. Just wanted to explain.)
  • Woman's husband misses stop on visit to Douglaston; friendly conductor writes a "special code" on the back of the ticket which, when examined closely, calls him out as an idiot. Category: Jaded New Yorkers (I have to say, I actually found this kind of funny.)
  • Father on cell phone misses conversation between 4-year-old and 6-year-old in which the latter adds a witty addendum to "Old MacDonald Had a Farm": "And a beach house, too." Category: Precocious NY Kids (This is the gold standard for this category. A 6-year-old knowing about a beach house! A prototypical Precocious NY Kid.)
  • Man, upon seeing doorman bark at dog owned by (presumed) building resident, begins "yipping" himself. Category: New York Eccentrics
  • Woman, upon returning to her "home in Manhattan after a year in London", confusedly attempts to swipe MetroCard on the way out of the station as they do on the tube. Category: Rubes in the Big City (Technically, the writer lived in the city before, but this is clearly a rube-like situation. Plus I'm calling her out for smugly making sure we know she kept her "home in Manhattan" while she lived abroad.)
  • Writer notices a man shaving while hailing a cab, and a woman eating cornflakes from the box while getting out her MetroCard. Punchline: she takes oatmeal to the office and microwaves it. New Yorkers are such multi-taskers! Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!
Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Precocious NY Kids: 2
Amusing Misspellings: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 1
New York Eccentrics: 1
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 1

Totals for year to date:
Precocious NY Kids: 17
Jaded New Yorkers: 13
New York Eccentrics: 13
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 11
Rubes in the Big City: 10
Precocious NY Pets: 6
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 7
Amusing Misspellings: 5
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF:2

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Metropolitan Diary Analysis: 2006-03-27

Sorry for the late report, I was in New Orleans this weekend and then St. Louis, and it took me awhile to catch up. This was Monday's Metro Diary; below is my summary and witty(?) commentary:


  • Cranky old lady in fancy building (Ansonia) has hated the 12th floor for 54 years. Category: New York Eccentrics (Aside: do any of my (so far nonexistent) readers think there should be a category specifically for old people? I have been thinking that this is a critical component of the Metropolitan Diary; old peoples' reactions to modern situations. Comment if you think so...)
  • Third-grader complains about her first day back after February break. Category: Precocious NY Kids
  • After several cable guys visit writer's apartment to solve son's cable problem, one determines that a pigeon has eaten the cable. Cue unfunny punchline. Category: Precocious NY Pets (OK, a pigeon isn't a pet, but this clearly falls in the common Metro Diary genre of a "savvy New York animal" of some sort; imagine something about a squirrel seen drinking from a "greek" coffee cup, or a sparrow getting on the subway (I think they actually wrote about that a few years ago), or a rat stealing a MetroCard. Then the writer would say "Looks like a real New York (squirrel/sparrow/rat)!" I suppose if I rename the category Precocious NY Animals if would make sense. But that's a pain. So bear with me.)
  • Illegally(?) parked Fire Department vehicle draws envious note from mounted policeman. Category: New York Eccentrics
  • Father advises 5-year-old to push onto crowded elevator by saying "Pretend it's the subway!" Category: Precocious NY Kids
  • Man and doctor wife overhear conversation surmising that only "doctors and drug dealers" still carry pagers. Category: Jaded New Yorkers
  • Man writes letter of praise to MTA because he met his wife on the M96 crosstown bus. Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:

New York Eccentrics: 2

Precocious NY Kids: 2

Precocious NY Pets: 1

Jaded New Yorkers: 1

New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 1


Totals for year to date:

Precocious NY Kids: 15

Jaded New Yorkers: 12

New York Eccentrics: 12

Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 10

Rubes in the Big City: 10

Precocious NY Pets: 6

New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 7

Amusing Misspellings: 4

Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3

WTF:2

I will comment here that, as I suspected, Precocious NY Kids is well in the lead. However, there may come a time in which I combine the Jaded NYers, NY Eccentrics, and Fast-Paced NYers categories into a single super category which incorporates the "New Yorkiness" of NYC residents. Again, comments welcome. Eh, who am I kidding? My wife is the only person who reads this...