Metropolitan Diary analysis, 2006-08-21

Hello dear readers, I am trying to be prompt about this blog again and so here is the analysis of today's Metropolitan Diary:

• Real New Yorker gives advice to tourists about how to behave in New York, and also includes anecdote in which a tourist family holds their kids out of everyone's way so that the New Yorkers can go to work. Category: Rubes in the Big City
  
• Kids offer lemonade to passer-by and when asked why they do not charge, are told it is Shabbos. Category: Precocious NY Kids (so, apropos of my comment last week that Precocious NY Kids has taken a break for the summer, let me note that this may mean summer nears its end. Or, maybe it's that kids who honor Shabbos stick around the Upper West Side in the summer?)
• Starbucks counterperson easily handles two complex orders, but is taken aback by the writer's order of a "light decaf". Category: Jaded New Yorkers (This entry confused me greatly as I am filled with hatred for both parties. My first reaction was anger towards the writer for ordering something that can really only be ordered in old-style New York delis, which have largely disappeared. So I can't call that person a rube, more like out of touch. (Note the comment "In desperate need of a cup of coffee, I ended up recently in a Starbucks". I guess the local Greek Deli With Shitty Old Pot Of Coffee was out of coffee that day when you got desperate?) On the other hand, I am filled with self-hatred because I have become a person that thinks everyone should know the retarded and pretentious Starbucks ordering system. Basically, if you have to say something which will modify the amount of foam in your special coffee order, or if your coffee order includes ingredients other than coffee, milk, and possibly sugar, you are fucking pretentious. I even hate myself for knowing to say "venti drip" instead of "large coffee". And, even a 5-year veteran barista should still understand classic New York City coffee orders like "light decaf", "small dark coffee", and whatnot. So this Metro Diary entry has sent me on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Thanks, Suzanne.)
• Two nannies argue over what one's charge did to the other. Category: Precocious NY Kids
• Bus driver threatens to turn off A/C on very hot day unless a pregnant woman is given a seat. Category: New York Eccentrics
• Cabbie pretends to confuse visitors with "showgirls", to their delight. Category: Rubes in the Big City
• Van remodelling funeral home has sign offering "creative finishes". Category: Amusing Misspellings (if there was a "shitty jokes" category I'd use that instead)
• Person on bus is overheard to say to his or her friend that "you're never really off [work]". Category: New York Eccentrics (This one is a mystery to me... either it's a joke so bad that my mind cannot fathom that it might be a joke, or I'm just dense and this is supposed to reference something I don't understand. Either way, I feel dumber and angrier just for having read it.)

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Amusing Misspellings: 1
Jaded New Yorkers: 1
New York Eccentrics: 2
Precocious NY Kids: 2
Rubes in the Big City: 2

Totals YTD:
Amusing Misspellings: 15
Jaded New Yorkers: 26
New York Eccentrics: 25
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 16
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 13
Precocious NY Kids: 30
Precocious NY Pets: 6
Rubes in the Big City: 19
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2

Metropolitan Diary analysis: 2006-08-14

I might as well as start off every entry with an apology for how long it's been. This six-week lag is my most egregious yet, and this after I supposedly picked up another reader, from the rural thumb of Michigan.

Anyway, here is my thoughtful analysis of today's Metropolitan Diary. I think I'm still fixated on the unintentional "class struggle" aspect of these Dear Diary entries so as my readers, you can either bear with me, enjoy the ride, or click that "next blog" tag up in the top right and read a much more interesting blog by a sassy housewife from a suburban area! I really don't care, I'm just that kind of blogger!

One other thing to note. In the summertime, all New Yorkers of the sort that the Metropolitan Diary is written by and about are at summer houses and send their kids to camp. So have you noticed that the Precocious NY Kids category is falling way off? Originally I thought there would ultimately only be two categories, that one and Rubes in the Big City. Clearly I did not understand the subtle nuances of the Metropolitan Diary then as I do now, but it looks like NY Kids is rapidly losing due to the summertime absence of precocious children. Perhaps if I continue with the true insane nature of my mission (which is to categorize a years' worth of the Metro Diary) I will go back through the summer and provide trending to show that with kids out of town, Precocious NY Kids Metropolitan Diary entries have a corresponding drop. I'll get back to you on this important issue!

• Waitress unable to understand that customer wants rugelach AND coffee, and he has to point it out to her. Come on, as a highly paid professional, why doesn't the waitress understand what "Paul" is asking for? Category: Amusing Misspellings (Well, um, 'cause she mistook his order. All three of my readers are welcome to comment if they believe it should be in a different category.)
• FYI, I usually don't comment on the poems.
• Dry cleaner has sign in window offering to press suits for free if the customer is unemployed and needs it for an interview. Letter ends with "Aren't New Yorkers nice!" which really means I have no choice but to assign it the Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!
• Woman spots "tired and sweaty movers" lounging on fancy antiques on hot day and refers to it as a "wonderful sight". Was she being facetious? Do not the workingmen deserve rest like the media professionals who work "just south of Union Square"? When they rise up, "Maggie", you had best have plenty of fancy chairs for all hard-working people! Category: New York Eccentrics
• Woman impulsively asks passer-by to take picture of herself, a sidewalk fruit vendor, and another customer, sparking an interracial "moment of silliness". Category: New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All!
• Bikers on West Side path see nun roller-blading, and crack joke that "she must be late to Mass". How did they know she was not praying for the deaths of the two disrespectful sinners? (just kidding) Category: Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!
• Woman pushes cart through line at supermarket after week at the beach, forgetting that you leave the cart at the opposite end of the line, and is called out as a rube by fellow customer in line. I do live to make fun of the Metropolitan Diary, but I have to admit I found this sort of amusing. Maybe it's just because as soon as I read it I knew I would be able to assign my favorite Category: Rubes In The Big City

Totals for this Metropolitan Diary:
Amusing Misspellings: 1
New York Eccentrics: 1
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 2
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 1
Rubes in the Big City: 1

Totals YTD:
Amusing Misspellings: 14
Jaded New Yorkers: 25
New York Eccentrics: 23
New Yorkers Aren't So Bad, After All: 16
Oh, Those Fast-Paced New Yorkers!: 13
Precocious NY Kids: 28
Precocious NY Pets: 6
Rubes in the Big City: 17
Single New York Woman's Perspective: 3
WTF: 2